I want so badly to shake my siblings and make them come back to reality but I can't and I fear I will never get my family back.
I am so disappointed in both of them right now and it really hurts my heart to know that they won't be changing anytime soon, if ever.
I miss my siblings and sometimes feel like I'm the only one who cares at all.
My brother is 12 and going through some things with trying to figure out who he is and who he wants to be. He only sees the glories his dad can pretend to give him. He doesn't see anything realistically and that scares me.
His whole life we haven't been able to show him the true side of his dad. But I guess he will have to fight that battle on his own as it comes. I just hate sitting back and watching. Although if he turns out like his dad... well... God bless his soul. But I cannot bear the day if that ever happened. Not to mention what I'd want to do to his father for letting that happen.
I have been there too. Every kid from divorced parents thinks the grass is greener on the other side one time or another. But usually, it isn't. And in this case, the grass is not only not greener, it's also full of poisonous mud.
As for my sister... well...
I am the oldest of three. And although I haven't been the best big sister in the world, I'd like to think they USED to look up to me. I feel terrible that I have some how let them down and made them change.
I think sometimes, if only I had done a little more... would they have changed? Would they be different today? Would they be able to see all the struggle our mom has gone through in our lives and appreciate her for the good things, rather than focusing on the bad?
I admit, me and my mom have had our differences and have fought to the death. I used to have a terrible relationship with her. But guess what? About four years ago I got over it. And saw all the good. Saw the struggles and saw them for what they were.
Doesn't matter how good things look on the other side.
It's the ones that struggle to feed you and cloth you and put a roof
over your head that deserve the most respect. It breaks my heart to see my mom so hurt by all this. But all I can do is wait for the day that they can grow up too and see how ridiculous they are being.
My mom is not perfect. But no mom is perfect. And no matter how hard things are, you can always find someone who is going through worse. And you need to respect that and appreciate things for how they are. Yes, we had hard parts of our childhood, and yes too many of them, but we didn't have the worst.
Sometimes you just need to grow the hell up, stop holding ridiculous grudges and get over yourself. And if all else fails, keep your thoughts to yourself and just cut yourself from the situation completely.
I don't get along with my dad's wife... and four years ago that caused a lot of problems with me and her and also my dad. But what did I do? I left and yes I do talk to my dad every now and then. But do I talk to his wife? No. Do I talk about his wife? No. Do I try to start bullshit drama with his wife? No. I think the most I've spoken to her in the last four years was just a couple words. And it's been good for us and the ones around us.
I wish my disappointment meant something to my brother and sister but it probably never will.
Friday, September 6, 2013
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Size matters?
Ok so I was browsing the internet, nothing special, and came across something that really bothers me. So like any other person exercising the first amendment, I decided to rant about it on the internet. Whooo hooo. I'll try to make it short.
Alright so I've noticed that it has become very popular for stores and people just writing memes and sayings on pictures, stating that girls with curves are more attractive than the skinny girls that models tend to be. Or any skinny girl for that matter.
As a small person, I'm offended by this.
Now, don't get me wrong, I believe that everyone is beautiful and that size really does not matter (I know a lot of people who don't fit in the 'model' shape) but this bothers me that people are trying to call these girls who are smaller, ugly and disgusting.
Take this shirt for example:
This shirt repulses me. Since birth I have been TINY. At five foot nothing, I don't weigh more than 95 lbs and yes, I'm boney. I have the wrists of a baby and I'm just little. Does that make me ugly? Is it ugly that my body is naturally small? So small that you may be able to see the outlines of my bones? No! That is just how I'm built.
Just like people who are built heavier. Does that make them ugly? No! That's how they're built! Unfortunately there are people out there that think very lowly about people who are overweight. And that's great that people who are overweight can be confident about their bodies! But this ^ is not the way to do it. By putting shit like this on your shirts and on your phone cases, you are just sinking down to their level.
"Real men"? Are you kidding me? Real men don't care what you look like. They love you for who you are. Not your pants size! I just don't understand why people can put shit like this all over the internet and in stores when they're trying so hard to make their life equal and let heavier people become models.
Dogs like bones? So.... what you are saying is that people who are small only deserve guys that will use them, treat them like shit and then move onto the next one? Great! So that explains a couple of the people who have been attracted to me in the past. But what about this amazing guy I'm with now? I guess I don't deserve him either huh?
No, when I see this I do not feel sorry for how advertising works. If you are going to try to break people down who are naturally small and make them feel like shit cause they're not fitting into a certain group, then no, you do not have my support.
However, advertisements have been in the favor of smaller people for a while and yes, that maybe be wrong, but in a way (call me stupid) but I think it's kinda good too.
See, some people like to look at someone who appears to be "perfect" and try and work their way to that level. They have always done this through the times and it will always be like that. People look up to others and want to be like them. There is no problem with this. That's just how some people can get themselves to feel amazing and boost their self esteem. Doesn't mean that everyone will fit into that "perfect" form, but you know you have to figure that out on your own. When it really comes down to it, it doesn't matter what other people think of you or how "attractive" you are to others. All that matters is how you feel about yourself and what makes you happy with yourself!
It would be seriously impossible to get everyone's form of perfect into the media and advertise for every single store. Because everyone is 100% different and wants different things in life. But as it were, they try to make different stores for plus size people and smaller people, so they can focus on different groups and not make people self conscious about how they don't fit in. And I think that's as close as we're gonna get.
Seriously don't take any of this the wrong way cause I honestly don't care and love everyone for who they are not what they look like!
But then there is another side to it as well. In my opinion, isn't using smaller people on ads a way of motivating people to get into better shape? Not even to just lose weight but also to get them healthier? I know that when I see something that I want and know I cannot wear yet (cause of problems I come up with in my head as a girl) I try to work on those things to make them better and so that I can get the thing I want.
I'm not saying that everyone needs to get smaller and they'll finally be happy about themselves, but it also wouldn't be bad for everyone to see that as American's we are grouped into this bunch of fat fast food eating red necks. But why? It doesn't have to be that way. I know there will people a lot of people who will naturally have a weight problem, but why can't we work out for ourselves and our own bodies and not to look good? And why on earth would we punish and shun people who do work out and spend every second of their day working on their health?
You also have to realize that obesity or being overweight (although sad) is not the only problem that people can have with their bodies. Some people have a naturally fast metabolism or have sunk into a deep eating disorder. So they're disgusting? No, it's still sad! They have a problem too that they can't easily get out of and I think people need to be more sensitive to that as well. Cause most of those models that you bash so hard on, have really hard lives too.
Another problem I have with shirts and sayings like these is that come on girls... you cannot honestly sit there and say that "real men" like girls with curves when you are sitting there looking at all these really fit guys with a six pack and not an ounce of fat anywhere on their bodies! That is the same thing that is happening now with guys and skinny girls as models! I do not know one person who purposely searches for a bigger man! And they need love too! Why should you be able to sit there and find your perfect man as being what the advertisements show, yet bash on the women that are the same as the men.
Now here is a shirt that makes sense....
Fact. There are a lot of pretty girls that are larger. But you have to remember that there are also pretty girls that are smaller by nature. It's not our fault! As it is not your fault most of the time! Now, I would buy this cause it makes sense. Nothing offensive to anyone. It's not throwing "what is right" or "what is true" in your face. It's just nice :)
My rant went on longer than I had planned but I'm hoping that if just one person reads this and I have changed how they think, my work is done. It's so sad how people treat other people. Big or small, we are all people and deserve the same treatment.
Alright so I've noticed that it has become very popular for stores and people just writing memes and sayings on pictures, stating that girls with curves are more attractive than the skinny girls that models tend to be. Or any skinny girl for that matter.
As a small person, I'm offended by this.
Now, don't get me wrong, I believe that everyone is beautiful and that size really does not matter (I know a lot of people who don't fit in the 'model' shape) but this bothers me that people are trying to call these girls who are smaller, ugly and disgusting.
Take this shirt for example:
This shirt repulses me. Since birth I have been TINY. At five foot nothing, I don't weigh more than 95 lbs and yes, I'm boney. I have the wrists of a baby and I'm just little. Does that make me ugly? Is it ugly that my body is naturally small? So small that you may be able to see the outlines of my bones? No! That is just how I'm built.
Just like people who are built heavier. Does that make them ugly? No! That's how they're built! Unfortunately there are people out there that think very lowly about people who are overweight. And that's great that people who are overweight can be confident about their bodies! But this ^ is not the way to do it. By putting shit like this on your shirts and on your phone cases, you are just sinking down to their level.
"Real men"? Are you kidding me? Real men don't care what you look like. They love you for who you are. Not your pants size! I just don't understand why people can put shit like this all over the internet and in stores when they're trying so hard to make their life equal and let heavier people become models.
Dogs like bones? So.... what you are saying is that people who are small only deserve guys that will use them, treat them like shit and then move onto the next one? Great! So that explains a couple of the people who have been attracted to me in the past. But what about this amazing guy I'm with now? I guess I don't deserve him either huh?
No, when I see this I do not feel sorry for how advertising works. If you are going to try to break people down who are naturally small and make them feel like shit cause they're not fitting into a certain group, then no, you do not have my support.
However, advertisements have been in the favor of smaller people for a while and yes, that maybe be wrong, but in a way (call me stupid) but I think it's kinda good too.
See, some people like to look at someone who appears to be "perfect" and try and work their way to that level. They have always done this through the times and it will always be like that. People look up to others and want to be like them. There is no problem with this. That's just how some people can get themselves to feel amazing and boost their self esteem. Doesn't mean that everyone will fit into that "perfect" form, but you know you have to figure that out on your own. When it really comes down to it, it doesn't matter what other people think of you or how "attractive" you are to others. All that matters is how you feel about yourself and what makes you happy with yourself!
It would be seriously impossible to get everyone's form of perfect into the media and advertise for every single store. Because everyone is 100% different and wants different things in life. But as it were, they try to make different stores for plus size people and smaller people, so they can focus on different groups and not make people self conscious about how they don't fit in. And I think that's as close as we're gonna get.
Seriously don't take any of this the wrong way cause I honestly don't care and love everyone for who they are not what they look like!
But then there is another side to it as well. In my opinion, isn't using smaller people on ads a way of motivating people to get into better shape? Not even to just lose weight but also to get them healthier? I know that when I see something that I want and know I cannot wear yet (cause of problems I come up with in my head as a girl) I try to work on those things to make them better and so that I can get the thing I want.
I'm not saying that everyone needs to get smaller and they'll finally be happy about themselves, but it also wouldn't be bad for everyone to see that as American's we are grouped into this bunch of fat fast food eating red necks. But why? It doesn't have to be that way. I know there will people a lot of people who will naturally have a weight problem, but why can't we work out for ourselves and our own bodies and not to look good? And why on earth would we punish and shun people who do work out and spend every second of their day working on their health?
You also have to realize that obesity or being overweight (although sad) is not the only problem that people can have with their bodies. Some people have a naturally fast metabolism or have sunk into a deep eating disorder. So they're disgusting? No, it's still sad! They have a problem too that they can't easily get out of and I think people need to be more sensitive to that as well. Cause most of those models that you bash so hard on, have really hard lives too.
Another problem I have with shirts and sayings like these is that come on girls... you cannot honestly sit there and say that "real men" like girls with curves when you are sitting there looking at all these really fit guys with a six pack and not an ounce of fat anywhere on their bodies! That is the same thing that is happening now with guys and skinny girls as models! I do not know one person who purposely searches for a bigger man! And they need love too! Why should you be able to sit there and find your perfect man as being what the advertisements show, yet bash on the women that are the same as the men.
Now here is a shirt that makes sense....
Fact. There are a lot of pretty girls that are larger. But you have to remember that there are also pretty girls that are smaller by nature. It's not our fault! As it is not your fault most of the time! Now, I would buy this cause it makes sense. Nothing offensive to anyone. It's not throwing "what is right" or "what is true" in your face. It's just nice :)
My rant went on longer than I had planned but I'm hoping that if just one person reads this and I have changed how they think, my work is done. It's so sad how people treat other people. Big or small, we are all people and deserve the same treatment.
Monday, February 18, 2013
I like girls, stereotypes
Let's just start this off by saying, I like girls. Now let me tell you a little about that... (hold your horses, it's not what you think...) (Also, this is all just a general explanation, really none of it matters right now cause I am in love with the most amazing guy I have ever met and I wouldn't want anyone else!!!!!!! <3 )
So around my sophomore year in High School I faced my feelings head on and realized that I had an unmistakable attraction to girls. Same sex... yeah. And I was confused at first but not at the same time.
See, I was an internet junkie I guess you can say... I was shy in person and had a harder time making friends so I mostly just talked to other teens on the internet... Sad I know. Anyway... I met a girl that lived in my state and ended up falling for her. It confused me cause society was saying that it was wrong, but I ended up falling in love with her personality and the rest came naturally.
I then realized that I was Pansexual (a person who is attracted to personalities and not reproductive organs. Basically I like people for who they are and how we click together. Another way of looking at it is that I don't really have a type... at all.
Although I was confused at first, I am 100% clear now on what I like. I have fallen for many girls and am not afraid of what that makes me. I mean, who wouldn't love a person that is deeply in tune with their emotions, loves with all they have, is sweet and soft. I love the way girls love and it's been something that's really hard to find in a guy. Not impossible, but hard.
Now this doesn't mean I'm never sexual and do not think about that either... cause honestly, I'm a sexual person (but not like a whore lol) I am attracted to both sexes. It's really all about your body and how it feels. I mean, if you are blindfolded and someone touches you... you are going to get aroused even if you are a man and another man touches you... it's all about your body and honestly you have no way of knowing. And that's just how I love, blindfolded.
But there are more than just two types of people. Of course you have the general males and females but what about the in between? They exist and they love too. Being Pansexual it is not impossible for me to find love in a transgender or a cross dresser. I haven't but anything is possible. And I'm ok with that.
Also, you don't have to look a certain way to like girls or like guys. According to society you have to wear nothing but sweat pants, baggy clothes and cut your hair really short, not wear makeup and talk really deep to like girls. This is not true at all. I like girls and I'm one of the most girlie girls there are. I love dressing up, wearing clothes that make me feel pretty and never leave the house without makeup on. The way you look does not dictate who you like. Sure, you might be putting your likes out there for everyone to see if you wear a sign that states you like being with girls, but you can and will also be able to meet someone if you are just wearing what you want.
See, it really doesn't matter about looks or gender. The definition of love is "a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person"... and I feel like that's all you need to know. There shouldn't be rules on how one's supposed to love. That's the way I live and that's the way I like it.
So around my sophomore year in High School I faced my feelings head on and realized that I had an unmistakable attraction to girls. Same sex... yeah. And I was confused at first but not at the same time.
See, I was an internet junkie I guess you can say... I was shy in person and had a harder time making friends so I mostly just talked to other teens on the internet... Sad I know. Anyway... I met a girl that lived in my state and ended up falling for her. It confused me cause society was saying that it was wrong, but I ended up falling in love with her personality and the rest came naturally.
I then realized that I was Pansexual (a person who is attracted to personalities and not reproductive organs. Basically I like people for who they are and how we click together. Another way of looking at it is that I don't really have a type... at all.
Although I was confused at first, I am 100% clear now on what I like. I have fallen for many girls and am not afraid of what that makes me. I mean, who wouldn't love a person that is deeply in tune with their emotions, loves with all they have, is sweet and soft. I love the way girls love and it's been something that's really hard to find in a guy. Not impossible, but hard.
Now this doesn't mean I'm never sexual and do not think about that either... cause honestly, I'm a sexual person (but not like a whore lol) I am attracted to both sexes. It's really all about your body and how it feels. I mean, if you are blindfolded and someone touches you... you are going to get aroused even if you are a man and another man touches you... it's all about your body and honestly you have no way of knowing. And that's just how I love, blindfolded.
But there are more than just two types of people. Of course you have the general males and females but what about the in between? They exist and they love too. Being Pansexual it is not impossible for me to find love in a transgender or a cross dresser. I haven't but anything is possible. And I'm ok with that.
Also, you don't have to look a certain way to like girls or like guys. According to society you have to wear nothing but sweat pants, baggy clothes and cut your hair really short, not wear makeup and talk really deep to like girls. This is not true at all. I like girls and I'm one of the most girlie girls there are. I love dressing up, wearing clothes that make me feel pretty and never leave the house without makeup on. The way you look does not dictate who you like. Sure, you might be putting your likes out there for everyone to see if you wear a sign that states you like being with girls, but you can and will also be able to meet someone if you are just wearing what you want.
See, it really doesn't matter about looks or gender. The definition of love is "a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person"... and I feel like that's all you need to know. There shouldn't be rules on how one's supposed to love. That's the way I live and that's the way I like it.
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